The morning I found out I was pregnant I didn't tell Blair immediately. He was working and I didn't want to spring it on him right in the midst of his day. But also, I needed a little time to process. It was something that hadn't come easy for us, so when those two lines appeared it was...surreal. I let it marinate for a couple hours then took another test, this time the one that clearly states "Pregnant". After that was also positive (what are the odds?!), and his workday was over, it was time to tell Blair. There were misty eyes, smiles, hugs, and of course the same "Are you serious?!" question I'd had.
We immediately told our parents, families, and close friends but decided to wait a bit before making it public. Because of the IUI we'd done at the beginning of October we knew exactly two weeks later, meaning, I was approximately 4 seconds pregnant. This news wasn't news I was afraid to share especially since I'd been sharing each step of our journey thus far, and also I believe that by people knowing they can surround you with love, thoughts, prayers, positive energy, and good vibes. I also believe if something were to happen to the baby all those same feelings would be put forth in support.
So why didn't I share?
At first I thought, OK let's just wait until the first ultrasound at 6 weeks then we'll share the news and I'll write about this new journey we find ourselves on. We went to the appointment and everything looked great - too early to hear a heartbeat but we could see it flickering away. Pregnancy is a literal miracle. After things looked good I thought, OK, just to be sure lets wait until the sickness part because even though I'd seen "proof" the baby was in there, it still didn't seem quite real.
But why not?
I don't think it's an uncommon feeling among first-time moms, or really, any woman who finds herself pregnant. For me, it didn't seem real because while our journey had been long and curvy, it wasn't terrible. We didn't have to get into extensive testing, treatments, or move into the IVF world. We didn't have door after door closed to us. We didn't have to experience any loss like so many other couples have. It didn't feel "right" that our journey had been so simple...I felt like we got off easy. I had so many people struggling along side me reach out during our infertility process and I felt like I was abandoning them. I wrote about our struggle to give others a voice and it felt like with the end of that struggle, so was the end of my validity in writing. I also felt that because I didn't experience many of the things they had, our story was less valid...that our path didn't mean as much because it was a simple case of "Infertility Lite" versus theirs of real heartache and struggle. I was so happy, but along with it came a pang of guilt because we got lucky while so many others continue to try.
So I struggled with that for awhile...and re-reading this before posting I realize, I still do...
The time for morning sickness came and I waited, ready to be miserable but fully stocked on ginger and fuzzy drinks. It never came. There were foods that sounded good and others that didn't, but nothing made me want to throw up. I got tired, which just meant I took a mid-day nap. I was extra burpy but I'm a pretty burpy person anyway so that wasn't anything too new. Each week I was waiting for it to get worse, to experience what almost everyone else does, but each week went by with no change. Please hear me when I say, I am NOT complaining. I've read plenty of things that scoff at the women who don't experience morning sickness and mock them for the very light symptoms they do have/complain about and I repeat, I am not complaining.
Feeling nothing made this already very new thing seem even less real, enough so that throughout my first trimester I took multiple pregnancy tests just to confirm I still was. I didn't touch my belly, look for baby "stuff", or allow myself to get too excited. I taped our first ultrasound picture (the one where it looks like nothing but a little blob) to the fridge as a daily reminder that I am pregnant. I was afraid. I was afraid because our journey felt like it had been too easy and I had nothing telling me otherwise. I didn't have the confirmation of nausea, vomiting, or any other symptoms to tell me there was a little human inside me causing my body to change. I was afraid every time I went to the bathroom that I would see the blood of a miscarriage. I was afraid that allowing excitement over what was happening would make 'the inevitable' bad news unbearable.
So we kept it quiet. My body was starting to change and my belly starting to grow a little bigger but we kept it quiet. I needed to wait until we saw our little one again and heard from my own doctor that things were OK before I was ready to tell the world. I did not expect that. I didn't expect to be so unsure of the reality and I certainly didn't expect the need to stay silent about it until now.
Thank you for sharing in our journey, reading our story, and supporting us along this path. Back to sharing all things RV, travel, and now, momhood. ~ S