Why no posts?
It has been almost 2 months since I posted here...TWO MONTHS. I knew it'd been awhile but didn't realize it had been that long. So what the heck?! What is the point of blogging if posts come every month or two?? Have you ever said you'd do something, or planned on doing something, and then for whatever reason it didn't happen? And then before you knew it, too long had gone by and you felt stupid for not having done it yet, and now you're so far behind that catching up will just make you look more foolish so you just kind of keep pushing it off and doing everything else instead of just tackling it?
Yeah, me too...
Originally, starting this blog seemed like a no-brainer because not only was it a way to keep our friends and family informed of what we were up to but it would serve as an online journal for ourselves, and allow me to work on my writing and "interact" with people in what can sometimes be a pretty lonely life. There are so many great blogs out there I enjoy reading and thought, maybe someday, I could be one of those for someone else.
When people read something I've written, my big hope is that they will take something from it. Ideally it's something that reaches their heart or changes their perspective, but if it's just a simple resource or recommendation, I'm ok with that too. Keeping this blog has been a struggle for me and I just wanted to share why in the hopes that you'll stick with our story...
- First and foremost, I don't want to write irrelevant words. I want the things I write to give something to people. I haven't figured out the best method, for me, to accomplish that yet though. So instead of posting and practicing to find my voice, I haven't posted at all. It certainly is not for lack of having something to say, just for lack of feeling like it'll be good enough in my eyes.
- Blogging takes time. I'm currently not working so it's not that I don't have the time to blog, but, I have been doing everything other than blogging because I'm overwhelmed by all the things I haven't written. We are traveling to places I haven't been and when it's come down to sitting down to post or heading out to explore, I've chosen the later. I feel like if I was "caught up" with my posts they wouldn't take so much time, they wouldn't be such a burden and I could sit down before bed, write about my day, what moved me about it, and be done...but it's just been easier to push it to the side.
- I don't want to feel like I'm missing real life and the experiences that are happening around me because I'm sitting inside trying to "catch up" on my blog. The "catching up" thing is something I unfairly blame the readers for. For some reason, I think you are going to want to follow my life in a chronological order and if my posts don't come that way, then you aren't going to want to follow me at all. This is a total and complete self 'thing' projected onto all of you. When I read someone else's blog do I get upset if I don't get chronological posts on what they did that day? Nope, I sure don't, so why the heck do I put that on myself?! Why do I feel that because I haven't been a "good poster" I should feel almost embarrassed when I pick it back up? I started this as something fun for me but have turned it into something I don't even get excited about. That makes me really sad and I'll be doing some self-reflection to try and find out where that's coming from.
- As I said, I'm not working, so when I sit and work on blog things for a majority of the day and my husband asks, "what'd you do today", telling him I worked on the blog kind of feels like I didn't do jack crap...it feels like I didn't do anything to contribute to us and again, I feel a sense of embarrassment that I'm even doing this at all. *It's important to note that it isn't him making me feel this way, it is again, a self-projected feeling.
- I feel like I'm bragging. This is a big one because I've always been taught to think about others before myself. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet to be living the life we're living and I don't take it for granted for one single second. Every day I look around, and whether I'm in a concrete jungle RV park, my "office" in the bedroom, or the most beautiful mountains, I take the time to say thank you. I let it soak in how truly incredible of an adventure this is. We are getting to see and do some pretty amazing things but I don't want to appear to have this grandiose carefree life because with all the awesome, comes lots of normal/bad/mundane day-to-day stuff too...
- Comparison. I have a nice camera but am not a professional photographer - I feel 99% of the time like my photos fall short of the beauty I want to capture and share. I love writing but am not a professional writer - reading blogs/posts/interviews I feel like I will never live up to all the awesomeness that is out there...I quiet my voice instead of raising it. It makes my heart soar when I get a new 'relevant' follower on Instagram but am nowhere near an "influencer" - I see people with hundreds of thousands of followers and I don't understand how you get to that point...or if I even want to, but do know I want to share my heart and our story with others. We live in a 45ft RV that's really comfy - when I look at people doing what we're doing but out of a van, I feel like our journey isn't as good or authentic as theirs because we still have the luxury of a shower, double vanity, toilet, and kitchen. Comparison is the devil and I struggle with it every day.
Didn't someone say that your 30's are when you've got it all figured out? Well, I sure as shit don't...but I'm working on it.