Hi.

We'd like to say a big thank you for joining us on our adventure.  

We hope you enjoy!

Our Infertility Journey: BS Path...

Our Infertility Journey: BS Path...

I want to start out by saying again, what a truly amazing outreach of people there has been in response to my last few posts...support for our journey, support for my writing, and supportive words and thoughts from others who have, and are, struggling right along side us. It's heartbreaking to know so many people have such a hard time conceiving, but it is also really empowering to know that even though you may feel alone, you aren't...at all. I will continue to write our story of infertility until it's finished. Please know that I am not writing for attention, as a way to "get followers", or to fish for prayers or good vibes. I'm writing to show that this is something lots of people experience, it is no ones fault, and that we are all still strong and beautiful couples even if we feel like we're failing the have-a-baby part of life. 

On Monday I went in for an internal ultrasound to check the status of my follicles and they saw there was one that was ready and one that was almost ready so later that afternoon I went in for a "trigger shot" to help boost ovulation. Turns out a shot in the booty does not feel great! I was scheduled for an IUI (Inter Uterine Injection) on Wednesday (which is today) and had my first acupuncture appointment to help my body respond positively to the process.

IMG_20170807_085051982_HDR.jpg

As I've said, I have been pretty good during this process. But today I started thinking about the whole process and I got sad. Some couples get to go on vacation and make a baby under the stars. Some couples get to laugh and giggle and tussle in the sheets and they get a baby. This morning we got up before the sun and drove an hour and a half into Duluth. I dropped Blair off at the bathroom to "do his thing" and he came out with a "sample" in a plastic cup inside a paper bag, which he then carried up the elevator to the 2nd floor lab. We got some breakfast, went back to the clinic, and that sample was placed very strategically where it needed to be, all under the burning florescent lights of a hospital room. He was in the room with me because, like a friend said, then at least he'd be present at the time of conception...

...wow...

...I hate it...

I try not to get caught up in comparisons or jealousy, and for the most part I don't, but today I found myself feeling sad that this was our path. We have so much fun together and love each other so much that this way of making a baby didn't even feel like "us"...it's so sterile and business like. The pang of jealousy and disappointment hit me hard and it felt bad. However, in the same breath, I think it's OK that I felt it. In fact in retrospect, I think it'd be a little weird if I didn't feel that way because there is a certain way that making a baby is "supposed" to happen and our path isn't it. When you're young you never think about the possibility of it not happening in some fun and exciting way so I think the disappointment is unavoidable.

And then I pulled myself out of that and came back to our reality.  My reality is that I have the greatest husband, we love each other very much, and we laugh together every single day. We are both ready and excited to grow our family and just because our journey doesn't follow the fun sparkly road to the right, it follows our path...the BS path...and I'm going to embrace that. 

I went back for my second acupuncture appointment after the IUI today and as I was laying there with needles in my feet, legs, wrists, and smack dab in the middle of my forehead, all I could do was pray for a baby...pray for our little one to find its way to us. I laid there and allowed myself to be so hopeful and happy and excited - excited to be a mama, to see Blair as a dad, to adventure and explore with, and have our lives totally and fully turned upside down by a tiny human. Wide open excitement is not really the norm for me. I have learned over time to stifle big excitement because without it, the big disappointment doesn't come...if you're impartial to the outcome the hurt will be less when it doesn't work out.

I am scared to be excited. I know it takes so many couples so long and so many cycles of trying. I know so many amazing women who have experienced the joy of a pregnancy and the devastation of a loss. But as I was laying on that warm acupuncture table I realized this is out of our hands now. There truly is nothing we can do but wait - and cross the next bridge when it comes. Until it does, I am going to be excited. I am going to feel it's a boy and let my heart call him by name. I am going to picture him with Blair's handsome face and I am going to imagine all the things we're going to teach him. I'm not going to stress over it, or obsess over it, but I am going to smile about it...  :)

 

 

Our Infertility Journey: Hard left

Our Infertility Journey: Hard left

Our Infertility Journey: The Heart Stuff...

Our Infertility Journey: The Heart Stuff...